Old Journal, Still Applies

so this is a journal entry that i have had stored away for a little while. it is from a day that changed my life, God called me out on my mistakes, and he called me to give up something that was very dear and precious to me. and still is. but in obedience to him, my life is better. 

sorry that it is so scatter brained, i wrote it during the church service, and when i was typing it up, i tried to make sense of some of it again, so it might jump back and forth between present and past tense, sorry about that. 

and for the record you are still very dear to my heart.



I'm falling on my Knees
Offering all of me, Jesus you're all this heart is living for.

This hurts, as beautiful of a chorus it is. the truth of it hurts. not for everybody, but fof those that this isn't true. as this chorus was sung my heart hurt, not for myself but for others around me. i couldn't shake that hurt out of my heart, those thoughts from my mind, as i tried, my mind wondered and answers came from every angle. my heart hurt because of the people around me that i know weren't living up to the final line of that chorus, myself included. i thought i was surrounding myself with a great cloud of witnesses. they were nothing more than tools for the devil to use. satan was using these people as distractions to me. trying to take me away from my higher calling and true worship. Satan was attacking, but at the same time so was God. i could feel the battle in my bones, between good and evil. as i turned my head to focus on the teens talking to my left, God was turning my eyes back to him in a never ending tug of war. i feel him comforting my heart and soothing my hurt. i still hurt, but it was a hurt that can't be expressed as a bad thing, if that is possible. i knew it was a hurt for the good, a change for the better. it was then, that i felt God changing my heart and the eyes of my heart were open so wide, i knew that the hurt i felt inside would soon be gone. at this moment, it was the best feeling i had felt in the entire month before.

it hurt the most to know that i was singing that chorus, but not living that life. Jesus wasn't the only thing i was living for. my heart was full of junk. that gave me comfort that lasted for a while, but then faded away. i had no comfort in it that never ceased. it all faded. in my heart i had no hope and no purpose, or so i thought. then i realized that during that month prior, i had more comfort and hope and purpose than ever before. i had actually been overflowing with it all, but i was just to blind and there was to much junk in my way to even take notice. in that month, i had been wrapped up fully protected in the arms of Christ, completely out of harms way, and i couldn't even tell. that is how blind i was to the beauty that God was giving to me. i was in my Saviors arms, completely surrounded, and i missed it. 

how could i have been so blind to this? its because i was focused on the junk that was behind Christ. its like i was trying to look over the wall to see whats on the other side, only to realize that the wall i was looking over was made of glass. instead of focusing on the clearest of visions, i was trying to make things complicated and completely missed the fact that my Savior had me wrapped up so tightly in his arms that there was no way to be harmed. i would have realized that the things i have been searching for, were right in front of me, i would have realized sooner that the life i was living was a disgrace to the one holding me in His old school carpenter arms.

the things that pulled me away are the things that i face in everyday life, how am i supposed to face this battle, do i lock myself in my room all day, constantly reading my bible and praying. NO! God calls us to go out and to make disciples of all nations. he wants us to live a life worthy of Jesus Christ. true, we aren't perfect, but we have grace, and its by God's grace that we are saved and forgiven. true, we can't be perfect, but we can live a life striving to be as close as possible. to defeat this battle, we have to give all things to Him that holds us back from being wrapped up in His arms. live the lines of this chorus, and make the final line true. if there is junk that is more important to you than being closer to Christ, get rid of it. 

Love the Lord your God, with all your heart.

Fully commit yourself to following him everyday

Give God Everything!

Take up your cross and follow him.