So Small....

yet so strong.... or at least we think we are.  as i was slacking around at work today, because it was 90 something degrees outside and no shade to hide from the sun, i decided i would take a seat for a few minutes.  so i walked around for a little bit in search of somewhere cool to escape the heat and the eyes in the sky, meaning the 16 video cameras on site, i finally found a spot with a little bit of shade and out of view from the cameras.  so i sit down and let my head fall and i focus on the ground. because thats what you do when you are tired. as i stare at the ground i notice a line of ants marching back and forth down a metal pole and then back up. it was kinda strange really. not the ants, but that i was focused on them and actually pondering what they were thinking. its actually really fun to do, you can imagine some pretty funny voices and stories for ants. but the voices are limited that always have to be high pitched of course, its just better that way.

so as i watch them work carrying small pieces of my biscuit that i dropped earlier in the day, i remember that ants don't actually use their eyes as much to navigate, they use their antennas to smell and follow the path of the ant in front of them. so thinking about that and being an ant bully, i wondered how easily i could disrupt the path that they were taking. it didn't take long to completely throw them off. all i did was simply rub my finger across the pole when there was a break in the line of ants. a simple thumbprint through off the entire line, and whenever they would get to my thumbprint, they would just scurry around and it would cause some sort of ant traffic jam. they would be turning circles and bumping into each other and some would even turn around and go back towards the biscuit crumbs. it was mass ant chaos.

as i was watching them i got to thinking about how similar we are to ants. i know we don't have 6 legs with three joints on each and we (if we are reading this) have most likely lived longer than 45-60 days which is the average lifespan of an ant and also it would mean that we would have more than 250,000 brain cells like an ant compared to our over 10 million, even though some of us only use 250,000 of them. and i seriously doubt that any of us can pick up 20 times our body weight. but thats not what i'm meaning by how we are similar to ants, i'm not talking about our physical make up, but i'm talking about the actions we take when there is a fingerprint in the way of our path.  when there is something in the way, we tend to scurry around and panic.  when there is a thumbprint in the way of the path we have been on we are reluctant to follow the one in front of us. we turn around and run and wind up bumping heads and getting caught in a traffic jam.  

instead of focusing on the path in front of us and trusting that what's ahead is where we need to go, we turn and make new paths of our own. Proverbs 16:9 says, "the heart of a man plans his ways, but the Lord determines his step."  So take hold of this and realize that the steps you are taking are of the Lord if you are following in his steps. In Isaiah 30:21 it says, "whether you turn to the left or the right, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "this is the way, walk in it."  i really like how that verse offers hope for when you are completely lost and you feel like you are so off track. if you just listen for it, the voice will lead you to where you need to go.  

whenever you encounter thumbprints in your path, trust in God. trust that he will deliver you from your situation and continue walking straight through that thumbprint and don't be moved towards another path. Isaiah 59:8, "the way of peace they do not know, there is no justice in their paths, they have turned them into crooked roads, no one who walks in them will know peace." when i read that, i couldn't get the image of the chaos of ants out of my head, as they are circling around and around trying to find there way through, they are obviously in a state of panic, and there is definitely no peace in panic. and with all of the different paths they were taking, that straight road they had earlier, was nothing more than a free for all of intertwined paths eventually coming back together way after the spot i put my thumb down at.

the devil throws thumbprints at us all the time, he wipes he conniving hands across our paths, just to try and throw us off. and he does it, because he is afraid of the potential we have when we are living a bold and uplifting life for the one who created us. even though we are not ants, and can't lift 20 times our body weight, we both get caught up in the same chaos caused by a simple thumbprint. 

Jeremiah 6!!! read it. it connects brilliantly with not listening to the voice of God and following him. it discuss the consequences and yet still shows the love that God has for us. even when we are destroyed, he will pick us up and rebuild us, from the ground up.

:)

Finding Comfort in the Dead

everybody has their place of comfort, their on little oasis, their place of refuge.

mine is in a cemetery. i know this seems weird, but here i have a strange sense of comfort and peace. there always seems to be life in the cemetery even though its full of nothing but dead people.  if you've ever noticed, there are always flowers around, real or fake, they are there and in a certain way they represent life. there is always a breeze flowing through, symbolizing movement to me.  and there is most often times somebody visiting the ones they love and miss. which in itself, is representative of our lifestyles.

day in and day out, as long as we are breathing we are living. but are we actually living or are we just being. are we experiencing things or ignoring what we encounter.  are we moving or are we going. do we move from place to place in our daily travels because we are forced or are we going, because we want to live. finally are we traveling back to our past, to the things we loved but don't physically have with us anymore. are we revisiting memories and not focusing on what's in front of us.  have we been doing this so long that when we finally give those things we are holding onto up and look forward, that we are about to smack into a brick wall.

if we are actually living and going and not focusing on the things of our past, then we shouldn't find any comfort in the dead. not the physically dead, but the spiritually dead. if we are living and going, then we should be teaching others about the reason we are actually living and going.  that is what we are called to do, to live life to the fullest, imitating the attitude of Christ.  he has commissioned us to go and make disciples of all nations.  if he has done that, then why have we found comfort in the dead.

"Wake up oh sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 4:14b

Isa ruhu-lah 'alaihis-salat was-salam, la Ilaha ilallahu, Allahu Akbar!

this simply translates into, "Wake up sleeper and Pray to God, there is but one god, God is great"

Old Journal, Still Applies

so this is a journal entry that i have had stored away for a little while. it is from a day that changed my life, God called me out on my mistakes, and he called me to give up something that was very dear and precious to me. and still is. but in obedience to him, my life is better. 

sorry that it is so scatter brained, i wrote it during the church service, and when i was typing it up, i tried to make sense of some of it again, so it might jump back and forth between present and past tense, sorry about that. 

and for the record you are still very dear to my heart.



I'm falling on my Knees
Offering all of me, Jesus you're all this heart is living for.

This hurts, as beautiful of a chorus it is. the truth of it hurts. not for everybody, but fof those that this isn't true. as this chorus was sung my heart hurt, not for myself but for others around me. i couldn't shake that hurt out of my heart, those thoughts from my mind, as i tried, my mind wondered and answers came from every angle. my heart hurt because of the people around me that i know weren't living up to the final line of that chorus, myself included. i thought i was surrounding myself with a great cloud of witnesses. they were nothing more than tools for the devil to use. satan was using these people as distractions to me. trying to take me away from my higher calling and true worship. Satan was attacking, but at the same time so was God. i could feel the battle in my bones, between good and evil. as i turned my head to focus on the teens talking to my left, God was turning my eyes back to him in a never ending tug of war. i feel him comforting my heart and soothing my hurt. i still hurt, but it was a hurt that can't be expressed as a bad thing, if that is possible. i knew it was a hurt for the good, a change for the better. it was then, that i felt God changing my heart and the eyes of my heart were open so wide, i knew that the hurt i felt inside would soon be gone. at this moment, it was the best feeling i had felt in the entire month before.

it hurt the most to know that i was singing that chorus, but not living that life. Jesus wasn't the only thing i was living for. my heart was full of junk. that gave me comfort that lasted for a while, but then faded away. i had no comfort in it that never ceased. it all faded. in my heart i had no hope and no purpose, or so i thought. then i realized that during that month prior, i had more comfort and hope and purpose than ever before. i had actually been overflowing with it all, but i was just to blind and there was to much junk in my way to even take notice. in that month, i had been wrapped up fully protected in the arms of Christ, completely out of harms way, and i couldn't even tell. that is how blind i was to the beauty that God was giving to me. i was in my Saviors arms, completely surrounded, and i missed it. 

how could i have been so blind to this? its because i was focused on the junk that was behind Christ. its like i was trying to look over the wall to see whats on the other side, only to realize that the wall i was looking over was made of glass. instead of focusing on the clearest of visions, i was trying to make things complicated and completely missed the fact that my Savior had me wrapped up so tightly in his arms that there was no way to be harmed. i would have realized that the things i have been searching for, were right in front of me, i would have realized sooner that the life i was living was a disgrace to the one holding me in His old school carpenter arms.

the things that pulled me away are the things that i face in everyday life, how am i supposed to face this battle, do i lock myself in my room all day, constantly reading my bible and praying. NO! God calls us to go out and to make disciples of all nations. he wants us to live a life worthy of Jesus Christ. true, we aren't perfect, but we have grace, and its by God's grace that we are saved and forgiven. true, we can't be perfect, but we can live a life striving to be as close as possible. to defeat this battle, we have to give all things to Him that holds us back from being wrapped up in His arms. live the lines of this chorus, and make the final line true. if there is junk that is more important to you than being closer to Christ, get rid of it. 

Love the Lord your God, with all your heart.

Fully commit yourself to following him everyday

Give God Everything!

Take up your cross and follow him.

Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

this song has spoke a mighty word to my heart, it has made me think alot, and made me realize that i feel like this so many times.

i feel like i dont belong, like i shouldn't be in the church, because i AM a screw up. but everybody is, everybody trips and everybody falls.  i think Mark Hall used the perfect words to describe everyones true feelings in this song. he most likely even feels this from time to time or has at one time.  but thankfully our God is not a judging God, but a loving and testing God. and i fully believe that God test us everyday. even in church. i know that he wants us to trust in him, and one way for him to build that trust in us, is through forcing us to face a rough patch in our life.  in the church, we may go in and sit and pretend that nothing is bothering us, and when an invitation is given and on the inside we are crying, not just crying, but snotty nose nasty face can't say a word crying. but on the outside we are as "perfect" as we can be.  God is calling us out of that. he wants us to be open when we are broken hearted. i believe it is so true, that by being a broken generation is the only way we can close the curtains on the stained glass masquerade we are a part of. so lets make a difference, lets change this play. lets close the curtains.

Everything returns to where it came from...

These are the words of the Quester, David's son and king in Jerusalem

Smoke, nothing but smoke. [That's what the Quester says.] There's nothing to anything—it's all smoke. 
   What's there to show for a lifetime of work, 
      a lifetime of working your fingers to the bone? 
   One generation goes its way, the next one arrives, 
      but nothing changes—it's business as usual for old planet earth. 
   The sun comes up and the sun goes down, 
      then does it again, and again—the same old round. 
   The wind blows south, the wind blows north. 
      Around and around and around it blows, 
      blowing this way, then that—the whirling, erratic wind. 
   All the rivers flow into the sea, 
      but the sea never fills up. 
   The rivers keep flowing to the same old place, 
      and then start all over and do it again. 
   Everything is boring, utterly boring— 
      no one can find any meaning in it. 
   Boring to the eye, 
      boring to the ear. 
   What was will be again, 
      what happened will happen again. 
   There's nothing new on this earth. 
      Year after year it's the same old thing. 
   Does someone call out, "Hey, this is new"? 
      Don't get excited—it's the same old story. 
   Nobody remembers what happened yesterday. 
      And the things that will happen tomorrow? 
   Nobody'll remember them either. 
      Don't count on being remembered.

Ecclesiastes 1:1-11 The Message

Now before anybody decides to quit reading, and starts calling me the Antichrist or anything like that because I'm using The Message, let me say something. I like the way it reads, and for this passage it is brilliantly interpreted.  I got the same out of this version as i did my NIV, its just easier to read.

Tonight has been a weird night in general, today marked the 3rd week of my semester off, and i am still full time jobless. i don't think that i can live much longer on less than 100 dollars a week. these last three weeks have been some of the most miserable weeks of my life, i have been very heavily burdened by many different things, the main one being a feeling of worthlessness. i have felt like this time off has been meaningless. i have been sleeping until 12 or 1 on a daily basis and staying up until 3 and 4 on a nightly basis. and during the time i am awake i haven't gotten anything accomplished. i wake up, grab my computer, check my daily Internet dealings, wait until mama calls to decide if I'm going to even get out of bed yet. that decision all depends on whether or not she is coming home for lunch or if we are going to go eat somewhere. then depending on the day i shower and go to work or church. it is a very boring and meaningless life. and every day mixed in there i find time to sin and continue to sin. not because i want to, but because its habit, because the time I'm spending lying around is meaningless. i have become like a sloth.

but tonight was different, the spirit fell and conviction flowed over me. i could feel God's presence and he was standing next to me, telling me what he wants me to do, showing me what to read.  i opened my bible and began to read out of Ecclesiastes 3, and began to feel conviction because it was talking about how there is a certain time for everything, and i could remember hearing and reading about now is the time for Christ to heal. so i decided that is what i wanted. healing from my slothful ways and healing from my heavy heart filled with disgust and the feeling of being meaningless. as i held my bible open and began to pray for conviction and forgiveness and began to Praise my God, i could feel the page of my bible flip. and so as to not lose my spot, i flipped back quickly to where i was at, but before i did, i noticed one word on the page. MEANINGLESS. its the exact feeling i was trying to remove from my body, so i began to read and God began to speak even more clearly.

as i read i could feel the wait lifting off of me, and for the first time in months, i was able to worship with a free heart and a clear mind. i read through the passage several times and my focus kept being drawn back to verses 7 and 8.

All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. to the place the streams come from, they return again.  all things are wearisome, more than one can say. the eye never has enough of seeing nor the ear of its hearing.

The Lord spoke power through these words to me, i realized in these words my sin cycle, and the sin cycle of man, it is our nature to sin. But our God is a gracious God and a loving God, so when we sin, he will always forgive us.  The streams here are like our sin, they pour and pour into us, but no matter how much sin we have in us, we are never full, we are never satisfied, we always want more. since we want more, we are like the water in the ocean, returning back to the streams and rivers, only for that to run back into us. it is a never ending cycle, sin comes in, sin comes out, sin comes back in and sin goes back out. Constantly.

But we can slow down that cycle by taking in the living water as mentioned in john 4. by living with Christ in us, we have power over sin. because he came and died for us, and in doing that the enemy has been defeated, and death can't hold us down. (yes i just ripped that from a song, because we're gonna lift our hands in victory and shout our praises loud.... or something like that)  As Christians we have the power to rebuke Satan and temptation from sin. and with the living water, with Jesus, we can be full, if we so choose to do so. with the living water, we will never thirst again. 

So as i was trying to play all of these thoughts out in my head, i realized that my time as of right now has been meaningless, but it doesn't have to be. the Lord has really laid it on my heart, to wake up in the mornings and spend time with him, to write, to read, to be still (but awake) and look to him in the morning to lead me on an adventure that day. to make my days worth something.

Nobody remembers what happened yesterday. 
      And the things that will happen tomorrow? 
   Nobody'll remember them either. 
      Don't count on being remembered.

Solomon was dealing with something serious when he was writing this, i believe it to be true though. if we are living a meaningless life, then we will not be remembered, if we are living a life outside of the will of God then we might as well not even exist. Nobody will remember us for the meaningless things we do. but somebody will remember us for the selfless things we do to help.

here's to a new beginning, here's to change. here's to a life of meaning.

*this was written in a stream of consciousness, if there are things in it that are theologically whack, please tell me. i don't want to spread false teachings or beliefs.

and yes i know i could expand on this passage more, and i plan on doing that in the future, there is much in the passage that can be used.