Old Journal, Still Applies

so this is a journal entry that i have had stored away for a little while. it is from a day that changed my life, God called me out on my mistakes, and he called me to give up something that was very dear and precious to me. and still is. but in obedience to him, my life is better. 

sorry that it is so scatter brained, i wrote it during the church service, and when i was typing it up, i tried to make sense of some of it again, so it might jump back and forth between present and past tense, sorry about that. 

and for the record you are still very dear to my heart.



I'm falling on my Knees
Offering all of me, Jesus you're all this heart is living for.

This hurts, as beautiful of a chorus it is. the truth of it hurts. not for everybody, but fof those that this isn't true. as this chorus was sung my heart hurt, not for myself but for others around me. i couldn't shake that hurt out of my heart, those thoughts from my mind, as i tried, my mind wondered and answers came from every angle. my heart hurt because of the people around me that i know weren't living up to the final line of that chorus, myself included. i thought i was surrounding myself with a great cloud of witnesses. they were nothing more than tools for the devil to use. satan was using these people as distractions to me. trying to take me away from my higher calling and true worship. Satan was attacking, but at the same time so was God. i could feel the battle in my bones, between good and evil. as i turned my head to focus on the teens talking to my left, God was turning my eyes back to him in a never ending tug of war. i feel him comforting my heart and soothing my hurt. i still hurt, but it was a hurt that can't be expressed as a bad thing, if that is possible. i knew it was a hurt for the good, a change for the better. it was then, that i felt God changing my heart and the eyes of my heart were open so wide, i knew that the hurt i felt inside would soon be gone. at this moment, it was the best feeling i had felt in the entire month before.

it hurt the most to know that i was singing that chorus, but not living that life. Jesus wasn't the only thing i was living for. my heart was full of junk. that gave me comfort that lasted for a while, but then faded away. i had no comfort in it that never ceased. it all faded. in my heart i had no hope and no purpose, or so i thought. then i realized that during that month prior, i had more comfort and hope and purpose than ever before. i had actually been overflowing with it all, but i was just to blind and there was to much junk in my way to even take notice. in that month, i had been wrapped up fully protected in the arms of Christ, completely out of harms way, and i couldn't even tell. that is how blind i was to the beauty that God was giving to me. i was in my Saviors arms, completely surrounded, and i missed it. 

how could i have been so blind to this? its because i was focused on the junk that was behind Christ. its like i was trying to look over the wall to see whats on the other side, only to realize that the wall i was looking over was made of glass. instead of focusing on the clearest of visions, i was trying to make things complicated and completely missed the fact that my Savior had me wrapped up so tightly in his arms that there was no way to be harmed. i would have realized that the things i have been searching for, were right in front of me, i would have realized sooner that the life i was living was a disgrace to the one holding me in His old school carpenter arms.

the things that pulled me away are the things that i face in everyday life, how am i supposed to face this battle, do i lock myself in my room all day, constantly reading my bible and praying. NO! God calls us to go out and to make disciples of all nations. he wants us to live a life worthy of Jesus Christ. true, we aren't perfect, but we have grace, and its by God's grace that we are saved and forgiven. true, we can't be perfect, but we can live a life striving to be as close as possible. to defeat this battle, we have to give all things to Him that holds us back from being wrapped up in His arms. live the lines of this chorus, and make the final line true. if there is junk that is more important to you than being closer to Christ, get rid of it. 

Love the Lord your God, with all your heart.

Fully commit yourself to following him everyday

Give God Everything!

Take up your cross and follow him.

Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

this song has spoke a mighty word to my heart, it has made me think alot, and made me realize that i feel like this so many times.

i feel like i dont belong, like i shouldn't be in the church, because i AM a screw up. but everybody is, everybody trips and everybody falls.  i think Mark Hall used the perfect words to describe everyones true feelings in this song. he most likely even feels this from time to time or has at one time.  but thankfully our God is not a judging God, but a loving and testing God. and i fully believe that God test us everyday. even in church. i know that he wants us to trust in him, and one way for him to build that trust in us, is through forcing us to face a rough patch in our life.  in the church, we may go in and sit and pretend that nothing is bothering us, and when an invitation is given and on the inside we are crying, not just crying, but snotty nose nasty face can't say a word crying. but on the outside we are as "perfect" as we can be.  God is calling us out of that. he wants us to be open when we are broken hearted. i believe it is so true, that by being a broken generation is the only way we can close the curtains on the stained glass masquerade we are a part of. so lets make a difference, lets change this play. lets close the curtains.